feeling better/weekend update

so i've really been tryin to get myself back on track. and i must say that its hard. i mean yeah i'm going to work and talkin to friends with a smile on my face and i have my moments of where i feel fine and then i have moments like today when i feel bad. idk i'm just tired of feeling sad. but i did go out this weekend to take my mind off things and this is what i did.....


friday night i went to my big sister Ari birthday party/gathering. it was really nice. we went to this place called molly's and had some drinks and they played some good music too. my sister has some really cool friends. i really enjoyed myself. in fact i had too much fun and ended up having a hangover the next morning. which brings me to my next topic...i've given up drinking alcohol. like sometimes i feel like i can't have "fun" unless i'm drunk and thats not the case. i shouldn't feel that way. so i'm done. i also feel like i use it to "get away" from my issues sometimes. when i woke up it was like they all just came and hit me and i thought to myself whats the point in drinking like that. i'm destroying my body for what? a good laugh? no more. i'm done.

so saturday night i went to my friends house for a pool party and it was cool. we bbq'd and had some music playin and a few girls came by. we had fun. they had some drinks but i declined and i still enjoyed myself. i was even more impressed at the fact that i got IN the water. i don't swim at all. i couldn't tell u guys the last time i got in a pool period. it had to have been at least 5 years maybe longer.lol but it was cool tho. i had fun. today i went to church and went out to eat with my family afterward. i called my father for father's day too. sometimes i get upset at the fact that i didn't always have that good father/son relationship with my dad. there were years that went by when i wouldn't hear from him or see him when i was younger and i would get so mad and upset. i just didn't count on him for anything. and then there were times when i would get excited and i would get disappointed. it wasn't until a few years ago that i forgave him for that. but it still upsets me tho. i think that might be part of the reason for anger that i have brewing.idk...

overall i had a decent weekend. nothing too major but it was still good to get out of the house and take my mind off of things. this is a big week for me as well too. i might be getting some good news finally regarding my job so keep your fingers crossed for me.

peace&love

low

i have these feelings.....

these deep down feelings that i have never really addressed. built up anger that makes me so mad to the point where i feel like i have to cry. but i don't cry. i don't shed a tear. thats too easy. instead i let it dig deep into my inner feelings and i let it build....slowly....slowly....until it gets to the point to where years later, it comes back and shows itself and then i get these "highs and lows" mood swings. being depressed is something that i've seen other people go through, but not have i ever dealt with the feelings on a personal level. i thought that i was depressed when my ex and i broke up, but i think it was just heart break, because now i feel nothing. no emotion for certain things. i don't care. i feel anger and that's it. where is this coming from u ask? i have NO IDEA. all i can do is try to get better. i've cut myself off from twitter and fb and anything else that can prevent me from getting better. i don't want to hear from people that are trying to "make me feel better". those people can do NOTHING for me but make me more upset by their phoniness. anyways, that's all i have to say about this. i might write during this process, i might not. not sure. maybe i just need a long break from everything.

not sure about this

whenever i feel like something good is about to happened reality comes and slaps me in the face. this past weekend was nice. i enjoyed myself. but i think i jumped the gun on the situation. i was thinking that by her visiting would help us get closer and help us get on the path to becoming relationship ready. well to my surprise, it did everything but THAT. sometimes i think that people confuse their feelings and emotions with feelings from the past. u have to be ready to let go of things in order to move on. my friend hadn't. she's not at that point in her life where she can. and there is nothing wrong with that. i wish her the best the luck. i know that she had fun this weekend and that she will never forget it. neither will i. so here i am again. back at square one. but i'm not sad tho. i'm actually proud of myself for handling this the way that i have. the old me would have said some things that were hurtful but that wouldn't solve anything. Maturity #getsome

peace&love

7 days later

hey everyone its FRIDAY!

i feel like this was the longest week of my life. i've been busy trying to get myself back on track and just trying to get my life in order. things are better between my cousin and myself. we had a talk and worked everything out. Prayer really does work folks. i really say that enough. i think my friend is going to let me use one of her cars until i can save up enough money to get a new one. i really am thankful for my friends in my life. they have really been supportive throughout all this. i don't know what i would have done without them. and for the icing on the cake, my friend is coming to town this weekend to visit. hopefully the weather will hold out and we can have a nice weekend. things are starting to turn around for the better. that's all for now. glad to finally have a smile on face. this has been a tough week for me

peace&love

what a day

so right now, things in my life just made a complete 180. i feel like i moved 8 steps backwards and i am in the same boat i was in back in oct/nov of 2009. my cousin and i aren't on good terms and he wants to move out. it really says a lot to me that when things happen, and people attitudes change. but if i'm right about why he wants to move out, then that means he just doesn't care. my truck was stolen from my house a few nights ago. no one saw or heard a thing. police haven't seen anything or heard anything. so not only am i car-less, but my cousin wants to move out. when it rains it pours huh......